So I know this post will get compared to the lovely Zoella's posts but no two cases of anxiety are the same. We are all programmed different and I would like to share my story with you all. This post is extremely hard for me and I would love to say I was at the same stage as Zoella in my life in overcoming anxiety but in reality I'm not. I'm not looking to bore or depress anyone but hopefully help and educate some on anxiety and panic attacks. It happens a lot more than you all think.
In Great Britain alone 1 in 10 people are likely to have a ‘disabling anxiety disorder'. That seems like a pretty big number when not many people are fully aware of this crippling illness.
Ive always been an extremely anxious person since I can remember, I never wanted to stay at friends houses and not even families houses. Still to this day I can't sleep in someone else's house without having a panic attack and I'm 20 years old next year.
I had my first panic attack at the age of 13 and it was the most petrifying thing I've experienced. I was in class after missing a lot of school and all of I sudden I had this wave of heat, I'd start sweating thinking I was going to be sick and needing the toilet. I ended up feeling like I lived in them toilets but I had no idea what was going on. I'd come back to class and people would laugh at me and stare, point fingers and act like I'd just walked in with a massive chicken on my head. After that I hated school, I lost friends, lost confidence, put on a lot of weight and got really bullied because I didn't go to school. In the end I left at the 14 maybe 15 and got home schooled. This made me very secluded and I started to become increasingly more depressed. Not depressed in the term that 'oh eastenders isn't on, I'm so depressed' in the way that I didn't want to leave my bed or even the house, I would comfort eat and only felt safe in one place and that was home. I didn't see friends, I didn't go to parties, I didn't leave the house. I had no wish to leave the house. But how could a 14 year old ever understand anxiety? I didn't my parents didn't and my friends certainly didnt. That doesn't seem right to me.
After years of struggling and only getting 3 GCSE's I went on to do an Art and design course to persure my love of fashion, I didn't have enough GCSE's to get to Level 3 fashion so I had to do Level 2 Art and design. Suddenly I felt this weight lift of my shoulders. This was my fresh start, no one knew me, no would could point and say that's the girl that never went to school. I could truly be myself. That year made me so strong and my anxiety completely drifted away.
A year later I started Level 3 fashion and I was in my element, I loved everything it intialed from dress making to styling to photography and for another year I completely forgot what anxiety even was. But then the third year of college hit me like a tonne of bricks. My panic attacks were back and worse than ever. Again like school I would miss days and days of college but luckily this time I had a strong friend group, don't get me wrong it was still really tough and not even they or my family know the extent to what I've gone through (well they will know). When going back to college I started to get the worst panic attacks I've ever experienced, the most scariest thing is you don't know what to do, you don't know where to go and you think everyone is staring and laughing at you.
I was back in the toilets again feeling I was going to pass out, shaking, sweating, thinking I was going to throw up, not being able to breath and needing the toilet but why? Nothing bad had happened, I wasn't in danger, I was safe. Panic attacks can happen for no reason or it can be triggered by a fear or bad past experience. So every time I had a panic attack at college my brain marked it as a dangerous place and gears me up for a fight which is when the attack happens. Like if you were in th jungle and saw a tiger your adrenaline kicks in, your digestive system shuts down and gears you up to fight this tiger..but im not in the jungle I'm in college, surely my brain can realise that?
Your brain is a very clever thing (duh obviously) but it has its fault when it comes to anxiety. Each time I have a panic attack in one place I don't want to go back there just in case it might happen again. Since this summer due to a lot of panic attacks I'm scared to leave the house, scared to see my friends, scared to do anything just incase I might have a panic attack. 'JUST INCASE' and 'MIGHT' these three words are destroying my life and guess what I just might not have a panic attack but anxiety makes you think the worst.
Mental illness is such a taboo subject..but why? About a quarter of the population will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year, with mixed anxiety and depression the most common mental disorder in Britain. But we still don't talk about it? We keep it hidden away like it's a bad thing. But it isn't. People need to be educated about these things, children need to know about mental health and not to be scared of that word 'Mental'. I know if I was taught about it, it would have helped me understand myself and not be labelled as 'Mental'.
Whether you understand it or not, whether your going through it or not we need to stand together and beat these issues that so many of us suffering with. Even if this has just helped on person to realise they aren't the only one then I will be extremely happy. Moving forward with anxiety you have to except it and battle it everyday. If you know someone who is suffering give them a call or a text you don't need to understand to support them. Anxiety is such a lonely illness so speak out and be proud of who you are. Please if you have any questions comment as I would happy to talk to you.
'Happiness isn't a destination it's an emotion'
Love to all,
S.Mx
