WARNING - I'm going to be really honest in this blog post. Some content might be classed as distressing so if you are very young or not OK with that kind of thing then just be aware as I'd hate to upset or offend anyone. Some of this content could be classed as, 'adult'.
OK, so today's post is pretty different as it's going to be all about how I got to where I am today and everything you would want to know about me, so if you're not interested in me then you're definitely in the wrong place ;) I thought it'd be liberating for me to share with you my story and then in turn it helps you to get to know me a bit more. Let's get started with the basics; I live at home with my mum and dad, two younger brothers who are 14 and 17 our Cavapoo dog Murphy. I have a boyfriend called Chris and in August we will have been dating for 3 years. He is my best friend, my rock and I wouldn't have been able to get through half the things I've had to deal with without him. He goes to Portsmouth university and comes back at the weekend to visit me and his family. Growing up I had a pretty normal childhood; like any kid I would play out the front of the house with neighbours, playing and running around until my feet fell off. My mum is my best friend as well as Chris and I certainly wouldn't be here today without her, she is one amazing woman and if I grow up to be half as incredible as she is then I'll be a very happy girl. Sadly my childhood was tarnished by a lot by death and when I was 7 years old I lost my best friend. She was killed by her dad along with the rest of the family and then himself. At any age that sort of thing would be pretty difficult but for a 7 year old it was completely baffling and it certainly didn't register in my brain for the next couple of years. After struggling with my friends death and a lot of family death I went to see a counsellor for the first time at about 9 years old. This really help me share my feelings and I understand why a parent could do that to a child and made me aware that other parents weren't going to do the same thing.
Growing up I was always wanted to work in fashion whether it be a Design or Style, fashion was the thing for me. Secondary school was so exciting for me as I was able to broaden my horizons. I had a great time at secondary school and made some really amazing friends and some of the best memories I have is being there, but once it got to the end of year 8 I started to become quite unwell. I was missing a lot of school as I was feeling sick all the time sometimes being sick, having constant headaches and feeling really lethargic. After seeing numerous doctors who didn't understand what was wrong with me, I was finally given the answer and that was Coeliac Disease. Coeliac Disease is an intolerance to gluten which is in bread biscuits and all that type of thing. Symptoms I had was bloating, diarrhoea, abdominal pain and fatigue. Coeliac disease is an autoimmune condition. This is where the immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. Due to the symptoms I found it really difficult to get to school without being scared that I was going to feel ill. As I took so much time off school, each time I went in I would start to panic and that's when my anxiety truly started. I went to school after not being there for weeks and people would ask me questions and I would panic as I didn't know what to tell them. There were so many rumours going around school; people saying that I was pregnant, people saying I had my toes cut off and people saying I was dead. I didn't fit in with the crowd anymore, people had moved on and different friends had formed. People didn't understand why I wasn't there and then why I was there. Each day became harder and harder with people asking questions and making fun of me. I didn't know anything anymore and I found it really difficult to get myself up out of bed and put myself in a situation where I was going to be bullied and feel uncomfortable. It got to the point where I refused to go to school; I didn't want to sit in a classroom with people laughing at me and taking the piss out of my anxiety. As I was off school for so long we had to see an educational welfare officer to assess the situation and make sure I wasn't out of school because I was 'bunking' and that I was actually ill so I could be put under the children out of school act. My aim was to get back into school which is everything I wanted so my educational welfare officer would drive me into school every other day and we would just sit in the carpark and walk around for about an hour or so and gradually help me get back into school, sadly it wasn't as easy as that and my panic just took over and got worse and worse to the point that I couldn't handle it anymore. At this point I would have been coming to the end of year 10 so I had been out of education for a 2 years. The next year was the most important as it was my GCSE's and I was absolutely crapping my pants about it as quite frankly I knew nothing. I only managed to get a tutor for the year leading up to my GCSE's. As I wasn't in school I was only able to take Maths and English Literature and something called an Art Asdan which is a GCSE equivalent, so yes I am a bit of a beauty school dropout.
Anyway school was 100 percent behind me, I left with a C in English a B in Art and an E in Maths...E=excellent..right? ;) The grades didn't stop me and I was determined to do what I wanted at college. I wanted to do a Level 3 BTEC in Fashion and clothing but I didn't have enough grades to get me there so I had to do a Level 2 Art and Design BTEC and quite honestly I loved it, I was back on track. College was a fresh start for me; no one knew me, no one thought I was pregnant and everyone knew I had 10 toes. I absolutely loved it and my anxiety drifted away for that year. I left with Merits across the board which carried me onto the Fashion BTEC.
The Fashion BTEC was 2 years and those two years were the best two I've had in my life, I was in my absolute element. The girls I met are lifelong friends. I was able to pick up invaluable work experience, direct and manage two fashion shows and create some amazing garments, portfolios and sketch books and if I could do it all over again right now I would 100 percent. Not only was the education aspect amazing for me but the social aspect was just as incredible as I'd been out of both of them for so long and I really came into my own. I was able to find myself and know who I was. At the end of year two I started to become really stressed out again and my anxiety started to work its way back into my life and I was petrified that the 'school thing' was going to happen again. I would start having panic attacks in college and I was really scared. I didn't have my mum there to help me which I find really difficult when I have a panic attack as my mum is what I call my safe person, if I'm with her I know that I'm OK and even though I'm 20 years old and I shouldn't be relying on her she is the number one person to help me with my anxiety and is able to fix it as much as I am myself. I would start to have panic attacks in the toilets, have diarrhoea not want anyone to come in the toilet, I would be pouring with sweat on the floor with my trousers down by my ankles just crying completely on my own and I was absolutely petrified.
Luckily it was only the last few months of the course so I didn't miss out too much but my grades definitely took a bit of a hammering because of it. I left with Distinctions across the board and 3 offers from universities Southampton, Middlesex and Istituto Marangoni (so I sort of know what I'm talking about ;)) Southampton was my first choice and I was really excited but just as nervous. My anxiety was back in full force and it was taking over everything again. I decided not to go to university as I didn't feel I could handle it and to get a job instead. That summer was the worst summer as I had panic attacks almost everyday, I was scared about being in the house alone and I didn't want to be here anymore. I've always struggled really badly with depression, anxiety and panic attacks and take medication for it and have done since I was 13 so for it to be back again it was even more frustrating. Yes I do think about suicide which is a really upsetting thought, I also do self harm and anyone out there who does that and is reading this then you are so brave and I promise you it will get better.
I was lucky enough for my Auntie to pay for me to see a private therapist which has really helped me with my anxiety and panic attacks. Everyday is a struggle, from summer last year I wasn't able to leave the house and now I'm leaving the house most days and just trying to do new things which is what you need to be doing with anxiety. Like everyone I have good days and bad days but the bad days are so much slower when you also have panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I don't have a choice but to keep fighting so to everyone out there don't give up. After applying for numerous jobs I didn't really get anywhere but with the ones I did get I wasn't able to attend as my anxiety again took over. This is why I started blogging. Blogging for me is a little place of my own on the Internet to get out how I feel about myself about my anxiety about fashion about my loves my hates. If people read what I write then it's amazing as I love being able to help others and I also love being able to give fashion advice, taking pictures, speaking to different companies and collaborating with them also. Blogging has been my saviour as if I didn't have this in my life I feel like I wouldn't have anything. I feel I have failed so much already that doing this is something that I can be really proud of whether it takes off or not whether I'm loved or hated I am able to do what I love doing and that's what everyone wants to do in life. Seeing as this is an about me post I think it's the ideal time to thank you all for all your support to all my followers on instagram, twitter and everyone out there who has read my blog posts and taken the time to read them, sit down and take it into your life. I appreciate it so much and genuinely cannot thank you enough.
I can only apologise about how slightly depressing that was but even though all that s*** has happened I've come out of it stronger and happier person. Nothing will ever make me happier than to become a Fashion Stylist as it is my absolute dream and I will never give up on that but right now it's all about the blogging. Don't ever give up!
All my love,
Over and out.
S.Mx
