Dear Diary...

Friday 10th April 07:15

I'm currently sat in my room with a hot water bottle on my belly and a fan blowing in my face, counting in for seven breathes and out for eleven. I've been awake for the last hour an half after being woken up by a panic attack. Let me talk you though it; I'm sleeping quite lightly and am aware them I'm feeling sick and DAMN it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I sit bolt up right in my bed and instantly want to call out for mum but with my boyfriend  being sound asleep next to me and dad having to get for work in a matter of minutes, I didn't want to bother anyone. I call mum my 'safe person' she's the one I trust 100% who will calm me down and make it better (yes I'm 20 years old and I still shout out for my mum to help). I can feel the temperature rising, my heart pounding that little bit louder and quicker, I start sweating and I'm almost definitely going to be sick. Focusing on my breathing is my go to technique but when you're in the mists of a bad panic attack the time that the breathing helps seems completely pointless but I stuck by it, zoned out and was able to manage. So your now probably thinking  why am I writing about a little panic attack; in the last two hours I've had five mini panic attacks so I've been left confused, frustrated and quite frankly bloody exhausted.

The first one has gone and I feel a great sense of relief and pride that I was able to handle it all by myself. 'Oh shit, I'm going to be sick' I rush into the bathroom and call out for mum, she looks dazed and confused (even more than she usually does) and I'm kneeling by the toilet pouring with sweating, shaking and shouting 'take this away from me'...but she can't, no one can apart from me, myself and I. I can feel the heat radiating from my neck and the wave of sickness drowning me with the fear and panic. Being sick makes me panic beyond belief, I'm never sick when I have a panic attack so my brain should know to not link the two but it just wants to put them right next to each other and it's something that I really don't know how to fix; I have most crippling fear of being sick. Two down, three to go.

Usually when I have a panic attack it last for a maximum of 20 minutes and it's only ever one, not 5 times. My anxiety recently has got so much better so why have I woken up in such a state? I'm sat on the toilet shivering with the window wide open but I'm hot, this panic just won't rest. I can't even stand up with the crippling pain in my stomach, I've lost all capability of helping myself. Number three is coming and I feel like I'm going to pass out, I can feel pins and needles in my arms, hands, feet and legs and am just swamped by the intensity. Number 4 and 5 come quickly but I had to focus on my breathing. Seven seconds in, hold for 4 seconds and out for 11. I start to float away and hear the birds singing outside, I can see the beautiful blue sky and just try and drift away with the world. It's over.

Writing about something so personal is extremely nerve racking but when I actually write about it, it helps me really detach from the situation and understand what I did wrong and how I can help myself in future. If you're struggling with anxiety or panic attacks I want you to know you're not the only one, your not mad and you can fight it. Just remember it won't last forever.

All my love, 

Over and out.

S.Mx