Dear Diary...

15th January

Today is the day I've gone to visit my boyfriend at his uni house and my and Anxiety and Panic attacks certainly weren't holding back and I wasn't prepared for that. We left my house after hours and hours of me procrastinating; I didn't want to go because I didn't want to panic but I wanted to go for Chris (My boyfriend). From my house to Portsmouth in the car takes a good hour without traffic. So off we went, my heart beating like the clappers, not being able to engage in a conversation or even smile. The panic had drained every inch of my being and I felt so sick! When I'm nervous I tend to need the toilet very urgently and the fact that I wasn't going have a toliet next me made it even worse. In those situations I feel sick...I panic about feeling sick...I think I'm going to be sick...I panic I might be sick and it goes round and round in a big circle until you get to the full blown panic attack. Anyway we're probably about 1/4 of the way there and traffic starts to build up...that is one word I cannot stand *TRAFFIC* it actually makes me panic just thinking about it! Panic is something you can't control so when you can't control this massive this in your life you tend to (well I do) try and make myself in control of everything else which is why I can't deal with traffic; I can't control what might happen or be able to determine how far the toilets are away and it also makes me feel very claustrophobic and then the 'What ifs' start. We must have stopped at least 5 times so I could rush to the loo, with my heart pounding, feeling sick, sweating, feeling everyone is looking at me and my all time favourite the shakes and tears (NOT). "Shall I take you home?" Chris says. I never want to let anyone down so even though I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I had to power on. So while blasting Mcfly out on the speakers and playing the number plate game I got there in one piece. There was no backing out.

16th January

I did it! I am absolutely exhausted and got no sleep but I did it. When I'm in a new place, panic doesn't let you rest and I was on edge the whole time and panicing about every pain and wave of anxiety I had. Not even a fix of Sex and the City could relax me but I did it.

I wanted to show you guys how I feel when I have to do something new, to help others either relate or understand. I hope what you guys can take from this is to over come your fears however painful it is, afterwards you will feel absolutely over the moon whether you suffer with anxiety or not. Stay strong and always give your best as thats all you can do for yourself.

All my love,

Over and out.

S.Mx